HEY HEARTUN ~ I recently broke up with my long term girlfriend. Me and her were like family and I know we’re supposed to be together, however dumb that sounds. I know if someone told me that, I’d say ‘get over it.’ I’m sort of in a place where I don’t want to be in a relationship but I still want companionship, you know? I have two big concerns. First, I don’t want to fall into the rut of dating within the same circle of friends. It seems like all the lesbians I know have dated each other and I don’t want to do that. Secondly, I don’t know if I should take the time to explore my lesbianism. I accepted my sexuality rather late so I haven’t had too many girlfriends (RL or SL). She’s bisexual, and has a lot of maturing to do alone to find out who she is. I seem to always fall for the bisexuals or abusers. Anyway, I am attracted very much to drag kings and the old-school style lesbians, but I’m always too scared to approach them. ~ ALL OUT OF LOVE
DEAR ALL OUT OF LOVE ~ Wow. You seem all over the map, emotionally! Lets take these issues one at a time, but first lets start where you want to go rather than where you’ve been. Famous New York drag king Moe B. Dick says there are four kinds of lesbians who dress like men: the cross-dresser, the butch dyke, the male impersonator and the drag king.
The thing that distinguishes the drag king from the male impersonator is that the male impersonator is trying to look like a specific person — like Kerry Grant, James Dean or Brad Pitt — while the drag king dresses as a man type, like cowboy, welder, businessman. The difference between a drag king and a cross dresser — who also wears men’s clothing — is that the drag king has a touch of humor in their approach.
So something in the drag king scares you away, and you end up with bisexuals or abusive women. You need to get over your fear of rejection. You’re settling for lovers who have obvious flaws (for you) so that their ultimate rejection carries less impact. You sound like you are shying away from the drag king you want because you fear their rejection, and you don’t want your idealized version of them shattered by reality. They’re people too. You’ve got to take a risk and break out of the relationship rut you have so aptly identified. That said, your fear of dating the same people from your social circle is a valid one. Time to take risks and broaden your social circle, and find new ones. That’s scary too, but its the only thing you can do to break the cycle. Taking the socially comfortable route will only lead you to more of the same pain. ~ HEARTUN
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