Hey Heartun~

Photo courtesy of ThaisRocha 

So good to meet you in NOVA’s this morning! I am currently transitioning in real life — male to female — and my journey has had its wide varieties of up’s and down’s. Most of the down’s came before I really committed to my transition. Not to say there hasn’t been some tough days after I started hormone replacement therapy, because there definitely have been — but for the most part it has been positive.

My question is why is everyone so dang quiet in Second Life? I know my voice is not super fem, but it is my voice and I am proud of it.  Everyone else should be proud of theirs too! I don’t care what you are in RL, the voice does not have to match your avatar, but for some reason everyone seems to be so scared to speak.

Constantly typing in a chat window gets old and if you are trying to build a real relationship I think you loose so much intimacy.

~TRANSceiver

Dear TRANSceiver~ I am glad we met at NOVA’s (Lesbian Social, Dance, BDSM & Adult Club) . And thank you for sharing your experience, and your question. I’m afraid the answer is complex, and does not immediately help you, but I think will point the way. There’s a lot of scholarly research done about how your voice influences people, and relationships. It’s astounding!

In his work “The Circles of Sexuality” Dennis Dailey Ph.D. places voice in the Sensuality circle, along with visual stimuli, fantasy and the sexual response cycle. (see pic). Sensuality involves our level of awareness, acceptance and enjoyment of our bodies, and the bodies of others. It ties into the behavior that feeds our evolution and expression of two other circles:  Sexualization and Intimacy.

Image courtesy of the Minnesota Dept. of Health 

Sexualization involves how we use our sexuality. Our behavior; both revealing and (perhaps) manipulating… but interactive. While Intimacy is mostly internal. It is the degree to which we express and have a need for closeness with another person. And one of the keys to Intimacy is vulnerability — and that is a precious commodity in online environments (and off) because of the two Circles that all of this is built upon: Sexual Health & Reproduction as well as Sexual Identity – how we perceive ourselves as sexual beings.

You know, from your experience, that gender is a social construct – and can be fluid, confusing, or poorly assigned by others. When you come to Second Life, you are dealing with real people (behind the keyboard) who, as adults, have at least a general idea of who they are and what kind of behavior is ‘socially normative’ (expected) of them. Then they take on an avatar that shares little, or nothing, with their actual experience. That’s why they love Second Life, but with a disconnect like that it is harder for them to lower their guard and be vulnerable. And voice opens up vulnerability in Second Life more than other methods of communication. It also lacks the controls that people have in text; in how they make their avatar; in the clothing they select and the information they put out in their profile. In an environment where they can control every aspect of what they want you to think or know about them — voice offers the opposite of that. It’s scary.

All of these Circles, and what we do, ultimately explores the shared values of someone who becomes an important part of our lives. You are doing a wonderful job of being authentic, SL and RL, and being vulnerable to others. Be patient. Keep it up. It is very attractive, and others are sure to see. Meanwhile, the hang-up is theirs… not yours. Try not to resent them for their fear of vulnerability. We are all human.

~HEARTUN