Photo courtesy of Wired Magazine (click to read article on sex work during Covid)

Hey Heartun~

I’ve been with my love for a few months now. She PM’d me at a mud wrestling match that we were both at with different friends – and the attraction was simultaneously mutual and immediate. We started doing everything together, naturally, and it went beyond SL to include our Flickr and Insta feeds – and RL emails. (So RL Facebook)

I’ve got a secret, and I’m worried it could end things.

I’m an escort, and she doesn’t know. Worse, on FB she’s pretty religious, and she’s a really ‘good girl’ type (honestly) at her core. Her pure and loving nature is what is most attractive to me, but I don’t think she’d see my SL job as just that – a job. It doesn’t just fund our lovely SL life together, I pull enough real money out of SL that it actually pays some of my RL bills. I’ve been able to keep her in the dark, so far, because IRL she’s in Mexico City and I’m in Hong Kong – so I get my work done before she logs in. But “what if?”

~Working Girl

Dear Working Girl~

First off, congratulations on finding someone who you really like, and who appears to really like you. Well, the version of “you” that you’re willing to show, anyway.

In Second Life it’s completely acceptable to control which version of ourselves we allow others to see. It is a primary draw to the platform! But few of us keep SL in SL, and RL in RL in a clean manner (I mean, for any intimate relationship… how could you?) And it sounds like the intimacy of your relationship is revealing some cracks in that “work-life” barrier that you enjoy.

You aren’t alone. In a 2014 study into the personal romantic relationships of 55 women working in the indoor sex industry in Melbourne, Australia it was found that 78% reported that, overall, sex work affected their personal romantic relationships in predominantly negative ways – mostly stemming from lying, trust, guilt and jealousy. Sound familiar?

Just under half of these women were in a relationship at the time of the study, and half of those in a relationship say their partner was aware of the nature of their work. Many women reported using mental separation as a coping mechanism to manage the tensions between sex work and their personal relationships. Others say maintaining different presentations of dress and make-up, or creating a work persona, as well as sticking to the defined time of a work engagement and limiting certain feelings to work and others to home, helped them maintain emotional detachment at work. But that separation did not necessarily help their partners accept their work life.

In its conclusion the study proposed education programs aimed at addressing the negative stigma associated with the sex industry, as it may go some way towards easing the issues faced by women in their personal relationships.

I know it doesn’t look good, but this is your chosen profession in Second Life, and you’ve started to become emotionally invested in your partner. I am not the arbiter of your sexual or work choices, but I’m here to help you sort them out (maybe). Here are a couple questions you might well ask yourself:

  • How ‘real’ do I want this relationship to become?
  • Besides fear of losing her, why else am I holding on to this secret?
  • Does making money this way fill a need or a want?
  • If I want more out of this relationship, am I willing to risk losing it?

Studies and statistics can be helpful, but they don’t tell the whole story. I like them because they flesh out a discussion, not because their findings are necessarily the end-all. Follow the link, and read the whole study. A small number of these women reported positive impacts from sex work, including improved sexual self-esteem and confidence.

While maintaining open and clear communication with partners did not guarantee acceptance by the partner, I think you’ll find that all of the women who reported that sex work improved their relationships fell into that category. It may still be hard, but perhaps being open and clear is the only path to a full and fulfilling relationship. How happy do you want to be?

~Heartun

If this subject interests you, please check out this podcast by 2 Girls, 1 Podcast called “Inside Second Life’s Most Expensive Brothel“.