I am young, and gay, and I live in a rural part of the Western United States — and being ‘out and proud’ is not at all a safe option for me. The nearest gay bar is hundreds of miles away. I’ve never met anyone in my area who came out. There’s a lot of homofobia and open bigotry, so I never let on. I played it straight throughout high school and after, out of fear for my life. 

Just after high school, and during Covid lock down, I discovered Second Life and it was as if I could finally breathe! 

I found a community of gay furries, and they became more real to me than any of my friends from home. I quickly met a man and fell in love. He showed me how to have sex in Second Life, and taught me about scarfing — you know, using a scarf (or something like it) to cut off the blood supply for a greater overall experience. 

Image Courtesy of Derpibooru

The last time we were at it, about a week ago, his avie went ‘afk’ and he stopped typing… eventually he logged off. 

I’m afraid he died. But I don’t have any of his contact information so I don’t even know how to check up on him. What do I do? ~SCARFING FURRY

DEAR SCARFING~ I understand that cutting off the supply of oxygen to the brain at the time of orgasm can intensify that orgasm. I’m told it does this because as the brain approaches asphyxia it kicks out more endorphins. Some people put a plastic bag over their head, others self-strangulate manually, and many us a ligature — a scarf — to cut off the blood flow at the neck. I get the logistics, and dangers, from this activity — and appreciate your concern. 

It is possible that your lover died.

But here’s the thing. You’re in Second Life, and while this relationship appears to be unique, intense and important to you — a lot of people in Second Life just suck. If they didn’t, I’d have nothing to write about. You don’t say why, but you don’t have any other way to contact your lover — and that just seems wrong. If this relationship was as important to him as it is to you I would have expected SOME real life information to have been exchanged. At the very minimum, social media accounts for your in-world avies.

Death is a possibility, but if I were taking bets I’d give long odds that your lover just closed his account rather than end it with you. It’s shitty, but not at all uncommon.  ~HEARTUN BREAKER

It made me laugh — hanging around in the public sandbox, seeing the stupid things guys say when they PM girls. I had no idea!

Photo Courtesy of OMweb

Then a female acquaintance invited me to a lesbian-only club and I’ve been hanging out there a lot ever since… because I fell in love. Do I let my new lesbian ‘girlfriend’ know that I am really a man? ~ HANGING, BUT NOT OUT

DEAR HANGING ~ Sure. Tell her. I’m sure her sexuality up to this point in her life is merely the result of not having met the right guy.

While you are at it, you should broaden your horizons. Start hanging out at Shemale Quickies so you can meet the right guy  too!

The ‘right guy’ will surely change your orientation.  ~HEARTUN BREAKER

Photo Courtesy of *Eat Me* (a store in the marketplace)

HEY HEARTUN~ My wife, girlfriend, ‘partner’ whatever — I think she cheating on me. We ben talking about her livin Textas and moving up to me in Detroit and what not. We good together. We play alla time. But month ago she play that WoW game, now she don’t come on SL hardly never!!!!

I ask if she cheetin but she say “no” but I see she on with the AIM alla time but she ignore me some time so I thinking she on Wow with some dude!!!

When she DO come play SL she all “No, my computer just on. I was out.” but I no she lyin. What Ima do? I hella mad but she don no that yit. ~HELLA ‘G’

DEAR HELLA~ When did gangstas start playing Second Life? Um — never. Whether you are black or white or Latino or Asian, you’ve got to drop the ‘too cool for school’ hip-hop mode of speech because it just doesn’t work in an online environment. Face it, if you are here YOU ARE A GEEK. It’s just a question of to what extent or degree. 

Now, to your question, I presume you’ve tried to get her WoW name and server, with the intention of stalking her there. Since you didn’t mention it, I’m guessing that she didn’t divulge that information. So here’s what you do.

Trick her by acting extra trusting. When she isn’t around, don’t send her messages but when she is around say things like “I like hanging around you” and ask her to tell you about her day. Use complete sentences. Act caring and concerned for her wellbeing. Don’t let on that you are needy and distrustful. Act like every moment with her is a gift that makes you happy.

It’s just a gues,s but I doubt she’s ever experienced that from you, so these new emotions you evoke in her will throw her off guard. She’ll actually start spending more time with you instead of ignoring your IMs, lying to you about where she is, and trotting off to WoW to cyber some troll. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

Photo courtesy of CNN

HEY HEARTUN~ When I came to Second Life and discovered the Scat Lovers group I cried in relief. You see, I’m a 35 year old management executive – but ever since I was young and first heard Frank Sinatra singing Strangers in the Night – there’s that great bit where he goes ‘scooby dooby doo a dooby doo doo’ (you know Scooby Doo was named after that line!) Well, from then there was no stopping me – and I was soon into the hardcore stuff. Louis Armstrong. Cab Calloway. Even a few Bing Crosby recordings.

But I find few people share this love a vocal jazz improvisation – and Im so glad at least to have found a group in SL that seem sure to fill a hole in my life. I can’t wait to get in touch with a few of the group members and start hanging out together. Just opening up to new friends, and sharing a common deep seated love is sure to be inspirational and life changing. ~BIBBLEDEBOP SCATTER

DEAR BIBBLEDEBOP~ Ok, I try to take all posts seriously but yours is so obviously a parody of the Scat Lover article I recently posted. That said, I still think you should join the Scat Lovers group. They’re a fun bunch, and they really know their shit.

(Heartun sings: Skit skat skadoobie… waaaaa!)

~ HEARTUN BREAKER

Photo courtesy of Tesla Miles

I’ve been doing it for years, since I was a girl. It started in the shower in my parents house. The house my husband and I live in has wooden floors, leather furniture, linoleum, and other hard surfaces that clean up well — because I have ‘christened’ every room in the house.

My husband doesn’t know, and I am sure he wouldn’t understand. So finding others who share my fetish for the first time has lifted a lifetime of shame from my shoulders — even if only in Second Life. I love my real life husband, but am looking for a Second Life partner for mutual Scat love. Will this jeopardize my marriage? ~ SCAT LOVER

DEAR SCAT: Will having a secret lover in Second Life jeopardize your marriage in real life? No, not necessarily. Unfortunately,  your real life marriage may already  be doomed. Every marriage has some secrets, like how many lovers you’ve had in the past or that thing your spouse does that secretly annoys you. These secrets differ from the one you are keeping in that they are not things that really define who you are.

Your life-long love of ‘smearing’ scat sounds like it is a huge part of your sexuality. It sounds like something you need, and will apparently seek out a partner for. Telling your husband, and not telling him, are both fraught with danger. 

I love giving advice, but on this one I’m not going to try to tell you what to do. Staying in the closet (outhouse?) or laying it all out for him both bring too many unknowns and will likely have unforeseen consequences. Holding on to your secret is safe, but you’re holding on to fear and shame while you do so. Bravely revealing your kink to your husband is a much lighter emotional burden, but may result in losing him altogether. And as someone who went through one divorce I can tell you that no one gets through that unscathed — although there is peace on the other side, generally. 

If you take on a Second Life lover you will be building a nest of little lies to hide your big secret, and that burden only gets bigger. It may be one that solves your problem, and there are people in Second Life who keep SL in SL and RL in RL… but don’t think that journey is simple or easy. If you find a trusted friend in the Scat Lovers group who is in a similar situation, talk with them about what they are doing and how it’s working out. Have conversations with several such people if you can, but do so to help yourself find what ‘feels right’ for you.

As with any kink, in my opinion, there is no shame being a scat lover. How you behave towards others, however, has consequences that you will have to live with. I wish you the best as you find out what works for you. In time, please write again and tell us. 

~HEARTUN BREAKER

Photo courtesy: Kai Shadow Design

HEY HEARTUN~ I’m lonely. I came back to Second Life after several years off because Covid isolation was getting me down. Before the Pandemic I went out with friends for board game nights, trivia nights, hanging out at their homes or mine, and loads of laughter at coffee houses and restaurants.

That ended months ago. I live in a hard-hit area that has seen no decline in the numbers. It’s the 3rd leading cause of death in my county, and I personally know two people who have died from this disease and dozens who have gotten it — some with serious conditions after their initial symptoms went away.

I’m not prone to depression but I came back to Second Life in an attempt to socialize with someone, some how — to shake off the blues.

It worked a bit, but either Second Life has changed since I last was here — or I have. The level of mean spirited drama, argument and paranoia from some Residents seems much higher than it was a decade ago. Worse, there used to be a pie-eyed optimism, and a feeling that we were doing something new and important, and I swear it’s all just sex and commercialism now.

I have made a few friends. But I’ve also had some I considered friends hurt me with drama and disfunction. Second Life has never been perfect, but I’m just not finding what I need here this time.

~LONELY LIVES

DEAR LONELY~ First off, you aren’t alone. This topic has been one that’s come across my desk several times in one flavor or another. I hate all the ‘year in review’ crap that every freaking media organization puts out this time of year, but you hit on some themes common to most people who played Second Life in 2020.  Here’s a few articles that address civility, depression, alcoholism and loneliness. I hope they help.

• Spiraling From Covid Isolation — A reader returns to SL, and the bottle.
• Second Life is a Lie — What little civility SL ever had is in decline.
• Second Life is Like an Acid Trip — Culling out chaos and drama through ‘block’ is simple self care.
• Stalking Carmen King — YouTuber brings thousands to SL; boosting the surge from Covid isolation.
• Stuck With Burning Anger — When coming to SL isn’t enough, there’s counseling (both in and out of SL).
• Voice – The Final Frontier of Intimacy — Trans girl yearns for real intimacy in SL, and studies show voice may be the missing link!
• The Unnecessary Man — Visiting author, Sheree Honeyflower, throws down a gauntlet of an op-ed over a lack of civility from men.

One more thing, Lonely… however bad it’s been, and it has been bad, this too shall pass. Lean on your social groups. Cull people who don’t contribute to your happiness. And continue to reach out.

~HEARTUN BREAKER

@Kirinyth on Twitter

I was thinking about the correlations between first life and Second Life while reading your astrology column, and I began to wonder if it has an impact on how we interact in Second Life? I mean, if my first life sign is one that “conflicts” with my pixel sign, does that also impact the way I relate to things within Second Life?

Is it then possible to find a balance between first life and Second Life signs, or do I need to read both signs and hope the reality falls somewhere between the two?

Thank you so much for your time.

~Kirinyth

(Follow @Kirinyth on Twitter, or catch her in world M-F 6-8pm(slt) as she hosts DJ Nadia at Club Dimension)

Kirinyth~ Ever heard the phrase “Keep SL in SL and RL in RL”? Well, missy, it applies here too, but it is an ideal rather than an absolute — and there’s a sliding scale.

Your real life astrological influences may impact your engagement with your computer and entering Second Life in the first place. Until your butt is in the seat and you’re logged in, your real life is running the show.

But once you have logged in your avatar takes over primary control of your psyche, and your avatars astrological influences are going to push your real life astrological influences out the window! You’ve seen this come into play when you have a hard time logging off, even though your body is exhausted. That’s your avatar exerting control. And your avatar has its own astrological influences.

So that’s how it would work if it were an absolute state, but our real life body and mind can step in with a ‘veto’ at any time, out of physiological necessity or mental free will.

Free will is never extinguished by Second Life or astrology, and the meat behind the keyboard will muddy the RL/SL connection if you aren’t taking care of it. When RL Kirinyth and her worldly needs are cared for, SL Kirinyth is more able to be fully engaged when that meat is punching keys.

As for your RL…. take a good look at that laundry list of ‘self care’ items you’ve been putting off.  You’ve made some great recent strides IRL and SL to find yourself, but when you are doing more things to drain your batteries than charge them, you’ve just making it harder.

You don’t believe that you are — but you are so smart. You know when you are in pain, and you know what you have to do to address it and you are brave.  You hate it when your friends tell you these truths, but the Kirinyth in Second Life is not as quick as the RL you to dismiss them. That’s one of the ‘freedoms’ you love about SL Kirinyth. Problem is, when RL you is running on empty, SL Kirinyth fades into the shadows.

So what’s going on? Use your network of trusted friends. Open up about those things you know you should be doing, but aren’t. And trust that the people who love you can hold you accountable to doing the day-in, day-out, grind of disciplined self care that will help your loving soul blossom. And isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do on your own, with limited effect?

~Puck

A meal with friends takes on special meaning in 2020.

Kind Readers~

Although I live in the same city as my whole ‘real life’ family, this year we didn’t get together. I dropped a couple special dishes off at my fathers, and one of my brothers… then went home to a roast instead of a turkey. Cooking for myself, I kept it simple. Then I called a couple other family members on Zoom as we all ate in our respective homes.

2020 is the Year of the Pandemic. It has devastated the economy, locked down whole communities, and disrupted industries because of radical changes in people’s behavior in response to Covid 19. And this holiday season, it’s kept me from my family.

So it was unexpectedly joyous when an Ahern Welcome Area regular, Jesús, decked out the public space with fall colors and a picnic table holding an entire Thanksgiving meal.

I know some of us are from countries and cultures that do not celebrate the holiday, but many of us do. And hanging out in Second Life this morning had the feeling of being in a casino on Christmas — fun, but wrong. Then Jesús put out his spread, quietly, and several of us just sat down at the table because it felt right.

The chatter turned to things we are grateful for, and family that we all miss. We talked about favorite dishes, and role played passing the gravy boat. The mood was instantly lightened and familial. We couldn’t be with the ones we love, but we were perfectly content to love the ones we were with. It was one of those magic moments that sometimes sneak up on you in Second Life — you don’t see them coming, but they are moving and you know you are part of a community.

Meat Carver molests a dinner guest with a pink dildo.

But it couldn’t last forever in Ahern, not with the griefers that congregate there. Enter ‘Meat Carver’ in a Mario avie, sporting a big pink dildo. Being completely unoriginal, he targeted a young woman regular for public sexual assault. She moved away several times, and asked him to stop. She tried sitting in a hard to reach place, and just avoid him, but he was persistent so she logged off.

Like a drunken uncle who is a registered sex offender crashing your party and no one can kick him out. A Second Life holiday tradition, and a perfect metaphor for 2020 — the Year of the Pandemic.

~HEARTUN

I don’t have any real female friends here, or friends that identify as female anyway. And I’m starting to think that I am broken because I keep finding the same kind of wrong guy and I’m doing the same stuff — over and over and over.  I’m miserable — and I can’t blame my ex any more because he’s been out of my life for a while. I have been thinking of jumping to World of Warcraft with the new expansion but I think I’d be just as miserable there because I can’t stop being angry and broken. Please help me. ~ STUCK

DEAR STUCK~ I can’t fix you. Worse, you probably can’t fix what is wrong with you right away, and maybe not at all without professional help or boat loads of time. I came to Second Life in about the same condition as you back in the early months of 2005 — plus I was drinking to beat the band. I came to the grid because I was lonely, broken and my real life had fallen apart. Second Life didn’t fix any of that, well, maybe the loneliness.

I needed outside help. You may need some kind of outside help too. If you have a relationship with a religious organization, maybe a minister can help. There are religious types in Second Life as well. But a

New Ways Counseling & Support

lot of people find help with counseling and therapy — and that’s available in the real world and Second Life too. There are several online counselors if you do a search, but I dropped into New Ways Counseling and Support in Hauwei. I talked with a very smartly scripted therapy bot named Myke, but the place claims to have real counselors too. None were on duty at the time I was there, but it looked legit.

Your ex certainly hurt you, and you aren’t wrong or stupid to feel that hurt. But that ex, by your admission, is not in your life — and isn’t hurting you any more. He isn’t responsible for your pain today. He may have caused it, but it is your responsibility to either live with it — or change. You can get help with that, but no one else will do the work for you.

Ask yourself these two questions: How free do you want to be? and Are you willing to do what it takes to be free?

~HEARTUN

Photo courtesy of Wired Magazine (click to read article on sex work during Covid)

Hey Heartun~

I’ve been with my love for a few months now. She PM’d me at a mud wrestling match that we were both at with different friends – and the attraction was simultaneously mutual and immediate. We started doing everything together, naturally, and it went beyond SL to include our Flickr and Insta feeds – and RL emails. (So RL Facebook)

I’ve got a secret, and I’m worried it could end things.

I’m an escort, and she doesn’t know. Worse, on FB she’s pretty religious, and she’s a really ‘good girl’ type (honestly) at her core. Her pure and loving nature is what is most attractive to me, but I don’t think she’d see my SL job as just that – a job. It doesn’t just fund our lovely SL life together, I pull enough real money out of SL that it actually pays some of my RL bills. I’ve been able to keep her in the dark, so far, because IRL she’s in Mexico City and I’m in Hong Kong – so I get my work done before she logs in. But “what if?”

~Working Girl

Dear Working Girl~

First off, congratulations on finding someone who you really like, and who appears to really like you. Well, the version of “you” that you’re willing to show, anyway.

In Second Life it’s completely acceptable to control which version of ourselves we allow others to see. It is a primary draw to the platform! But few of us keep SL in SL, and RL in RL in a clean manner (I mean, for any intimate relationship… how could you?) And it sounds like the intimacy of your relationship is revealing some cracks in that “work-life” barrier that you enjoy.

You aren’t alone. In a 2014 study into the personal romantic relationships of 55 women working in the indoor sex industry in Melbourne, Australia it was found that 78% reported that, overall, sex work affected their personal romantic relationships in predominantly negative ways – mostly stemming from lying, trust, guilt and jealousy. Sound familiar?

Just under half of these women were in a relationship at the time of the study, and half of those in a relationship say their partner was aware of the nature of their work. Many women reported using mental separation as a coping mechanism to manage the tensions between sex work and their personal relationships. Others say maintaining different presentations of dress and make-up, or creating a work persona, as well as sticking to the defined time of a work engagement and limiting certain feelings to work and others to home, helped them maintain emotional detachment at work. But that separation did not necessarily help their partners accept their work life.

In its conclusion the study proposed education programs aimed at addressing the negative stigma associated with the sex industry, as it may go some way towards easing the issues faced by women in their personal relationships.

I know it doesn’t look good, but this is your chosen profession in Second Life, and you’ve started to become emotionally invested in your partner. I am not the arbiter of your sexual or work choices, but I’m here to help you sort them out (maybe). Here are a couple questions you might well ask yourself:

• How ‘real’ do I want this relationship to become?
• Besides fear of losing her, why else am I holding on to this secret?
• Does making money this way fill a need or a want?
• If I want more out of this relationship, am I willing to risk losing it?

Studies and statistics can be helpful, but they don’t tell the whole story. I like them because they flesh out a discussion, not because their findings are necessarily the end-all. Follow the link, and read the whole study. A small number of these women reported positive impacts from sex work, including improved sexual self-esteem and confidence.

While maintaining open and clear communication with partners did not guarantee acceptance by the partner, I think you’ll find that all of the women who reported that sex work improved their relationships fell into that category. It may still be hard, but perhaps being open and clear is the only path to a full and fulfilling relationship. How happy do you want to be?

~Heartun

If this subject interests you, please check out this podcast by 2 Girls, 1 Podcast called “Inside Second Life’s Most Expensive Brothel“.