I am young, and gay, and I live in a rural part of the Western United States — and being ‘out and proud’ is not at all a safe option for me. The nearest gay bar is hundreds of miles away. I’ve never met anyone in my area who came out. There’s a lot of homofobia and open bigotry, so I never let on. I played it straight throughout high school and after, out of fear for my life. 

Just after high school, and during Covid lock down, I discovered Second Life and it was as if I could finally breathe! 

I found a community of gay furries, and they became more real to me than any of my friends from home. I quickly met a man and fell in love. He showed me how to have sex in Second Life, and taught me about scarfing — you know, using a scarf (or something like it) to cut off the blood supply for a greater overall experience. 

Image Courtesy of Derpibooru

The last time we were at it, about a week ago, his avie went ‘afk’ and he stopped typing… eventually he logged off. 

I’m afraid he died. But I don’t have any of his contact information so I don’t even know how to check up on him. What do I do? ~SCARFING FURRY

DEAR SCARFING~ I understand that cutting off the supply of oxygen to the brain at the time of orgasm can intensify that orgasm. I’m told it does this because as the brain approaches asphyxia it kicks out more endorphins. Some people put a plastic bag over their head, others self-strangulate manually, and many us a ligature — a scarf — to cut off the blood flow at the neck. I get the logistics, and dangers, from this activity — and appreciate your concern. 

It is possible that your lover died.

But here’s the thing. You’re in Second Life, and while this relationship appears to be unique, intense and important to you — a lot of people in Second Life just suck. If they didn’t, I’d have nothing to write about. You don’t say why, but you don’t have any other way to contact your lover — and that just seems wrong. If this relationship was as important to him as it is to you I would have expected SOME real life information to have been exchanged. At the very minimum, social media accounts for your in-world avies.

Death is a possibility, but if I were taking bets I’d give long odds that your lover just closed his account rather than end it with you. It’s shitty, but not at all uncommon.  ~HEARTUN BREAKER

It made me laugh — hanging around in the public sandbox, seeing the stupid things guys say when they PM girls. I had no idea!

Photo Courtesy of OMweb

Then a female acquaintance invited me to a lesbian-only club and I’ve been hanging out there a lot ever since… because I fell in love. Do I let my new lesbian ‘girlfriend’ know that I am really a man? ~ HANGING, BUT NOT OUT

DEAR HANGING ~ Sure. Tell her. I’m sure her sexuality up to this point in her life is merely the result of not having met the right guy.

While you are at it, you should broaden your horizons. Start hanging out at Shemale Quickies so you can meet the right guy  too!

The ‘right guy’ will surely change your orientation.  ~HEARTUN BREAKER

I am a young lesbian in her 20’s. I have only ever been attracted to other women and I admit, I have had many sex partners. I love women. I love having sex with women, as many as I can really but lately there is a man who has caught my attention. I know he likes me but I recently realized that I think I like him too.

~CONFUSED

Dear Confused~

Image courtesy of West Texas A&M Univ.

First off, it’s a spectrum. Some people come down hard on Infrared or Ultraviolet (or X-ray… or Quark) But most people come down somewhere in between. And even if you’ve always seen yourself as Infrared… a spectral shift could have you feeling a little Indigo.

That’s my take on plain old, real world, sexuality.

Then you get Second Life. To paraphrase Borat “Wah-WEE-woo-wah!”

The very nature of Second Life is to play around with different aspects of yourself. Remember the episode of The Office (U.S. version) where Dwight came into Second Life? He made an avie that looked just like him, had his name, and worked in a replica Dunder Mifflin office. It was a riot, because nobody does that!

It’s scary to explore different parts of the spectrum. Be bold. Be brave. Be kind. And if later you decide that ultraviolet just isn’t your wavelength… be the adult and communicate that well.

~Heartun Breaker

Photo courtesy: Raya Jonson and her Get Stuff store.

HEY HEARTUN~ I have made some choices that have made my second life more complicated than my first life could ever be. I met this guy off the rebound from my girlfriend leaving Second Life. He’s a decent guy and, well, I let things get hot and heavy and I quickly sold him on the idea of being exclusively mine. Things went well for a time. Then one day I surprised him with an SL pregnancy, which took him aback but after a short while he really got into the idea.

Then I met this girl. She was outgoing, exciting and very charismatic. We started Instant Messaging each other and spending a lot of time together — shopping — you know, the usual things. It was all innocent till she took me to this store that sold cages…yes I said cages. It was filled with BDSM toys and various things of that sort. I was very apprehensive at first, as I had never imagined those sort of activities in my life. Well, that quickly took a spin, we were fooling around with the cages and what not, just being silly, then in response to something she said I told her that I was never really the controlling type. I told her that I had always just followed the instructions and the lead of others.

That took the cake right there. This girl knew what she had to do from that point on. She started giving me orders — orders that were quite bizarre to me but for some reason I couldn’t stop and didn’t seem to want to. I really got into being, as she called me, her “pet”.

This relationship started taking me over until two days ago when for the first time the situation got sexual with this girl… and her girlfriend walked in on us. Then my guilt started eating me up and I knew I just had to tell my boyfriend about this. I wrote him a nice long notecard explaining all the lies I had told him and what I had done and wouldn’t you know it, the sod wasn’t even angry! All he said was that he knew that I had enjoyed girls before and he understood. He continued in his reply telling me that he had had BDSM experiences and had enjoyed dominatrix behaviours. He also made it clear that he would enjoy watching and participating in my actions with other women. While I know his reply wasn’t bad — it sort of disappointed me. Here’s why:

1. I lied to him. Should my deceitful actions be dismissed that quickly?
2. I think subconsciously I have lost interest in my relations with him — or men in general. I don’t know maybe I am just lost.
3. I think the fact that he wants to join in these other activities with me has turned me off him. For some reason that I don’t understand, this ‘being dominated’ activity that I have gotten into only seems to arouse me with women and very select few at that.

I don’t know what I have done other than complicate my SL life and been deceitful and I am not so sure what I am seeking right now but maybe this whole story can be summed up into one question. Should I leave this man or should I leave both the man and the woman and start entirely a new? ~ MOTHERHOOD BOUND

DEAR MOTHERHOOD BOUND ~ That lesbianic bondage love can sure have a strong allure, but you should have thought about that before you decided to get pregnant. Right now your virtual hormones are all over the map — and there’s no way you can make such an important decision in your condition.

Wait till you have the baby to decide, then do what is best for the baby. And if that involves ditching the dude make sure to be generous in your visitation arrangement with him.

Stephen Wu’s SL avatar Photo courtesy: Silicon Valley Law Group

If things get rough, seek out a lawyer specializing in online activity like Stephen Wu of the Silicon Valley Law Group.

~ HEARTUN BREAKER

Photo courtesy of The Winged Girl Blog

HEY HEARTUN ~ This question isn’t really for me; rather its for all those young men who think its cool to cross dress and look for lesbians. I’m a lesbian (online only) and am often recreating at the Isle of Lesbos. The other night this female avatar called (real name substituted with ‘Betty’) showed up and yelled “Hey, NE1 want 2 fuck?”

Needless to say the 40 girls present responded with LOL’s and LMAO’s but Betty was serious. With her noobie sandals and Orientation Island stock avatar (the brunette one) it was pretty clear that Betty was an alt. And her behavior made it clear she was really a young man, perhaps a boy. I never understood this kind of behavior, but Betty isn’t alone. There are a lot of people out there like this. Do you have any advice for them? ~ SAPPHIC SOPHISTICATE

DEAR SAPPHIC SOPHISTICATE ~ My advice for young men wishing to trick lesbians into cybering with them is simple and two part: play dumb and be patient. The first should be easy for a young stud with the lesbo fetish — just stand around, maybe with a dance animation loop, and occasionally ask for help. Lesbians love to help noobs, and they’ll shower them with tons of nice used clothing, skins and hair. In a short time our young stud will be molded into a hottie-buh-body avatar by a woman who really knows what looks good.

That requires some patience on our young man’s part, but the payoff is worth it. Now that he is properly attired, and has had a fashion maven fawning over him for a while, her friends will find him irresistible. He just has to shut up and not let on that he is a boy. They’ll all try to bed him behind each other’s backs.

Now, lets deal with the 500 pound gorilla in the room. You say you are a lesbian, but only online. How is that any less devious and deceiving than the young man pretending to be a lesbian? And if you aren’t pretending in Second Life, then you are pretending in First Life… and that is even more disturbing. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

HEY HEARTUN ~ I recently broke up with my long term girlfriend. Me and her were like family and I know we’re supposed to be together, however dumb that sounds. I know if someone told me that, I’d say ‘get over it.’ I’m sort of in a place where I don’t want to be in a relationship but I still want companionship, you know? I have two big concerns. First, I don’t want to fall into the rut of dating within the same circle of friends. It seems like all the lesbians I know have dated each other and I don’t want to do that. Secondly, I don’t know if I should take the time to explore my lesbianism. I accepted my sexuality rather late so I haven’t had too many girlfriends (RL or SL). She’s bisexual, and has a lot of maturing to do alone to find out who she is. I seem to always fall for the bisexuals or abusers. Anyway, I am attracted very much to drag kings and the old-school style lesbians, but I’m always too scared to approach them. ~ ALL OUT OF LOVE

DEAR ALL OUT OF LOVE ~ Wow. You seem all over the map, emotionally! Lets take these issues one at a time, but first lets start where you want to go rather than where you’ve been. Famous New York drag king Moe B. Dick says there are four kinds of lesbians who dress like men: the cross-dresser, the butch dyke, the male impersonator and the drag king.

The thing that distinguishes the drag king from the male impersonator is that the male impersonator is trying to look like a specific person — like Kerry Grant, James Dean or Brad Pitt — while the drag king dresses as a man type, like cowboy, welder, businessman. The difference between a drag king and a cross dresser — who also wears men’s clothing — is that the drag king has a touch of humor in their approach.

So something in the drag king scares you away, and you end up with bisexuals or abusive women. You need to get over your fear of rejection. You’re settling for lovers who have obvious flaws (for you) so that their ultimate rejection carries less impact. You sound like you are shying away from the drag king you want because you fear their rejection, and you don’t want your idealized version of them shattered by reality. They’re people too. You’ve got to take a risk and break out of the relationship rut you have so aptly identified. That said, your fear of dating the same people from your social circle is a valid one. Time to take risks and broaden your social circle, and find new ones. That’s scary too, but its the only thing you can do to break the cycle. Taking the socially comfortable route will only lead you to more of the same pain. ~ HEARTUN

HEY HEARTUN ~ I am a male in RL who came to SL just to have fun. Minutes into playing, i decided to throw away my male av and make a female one. i’ve always been more in tune with my feelings, not gay, or even metrosexual, just more in tune. in short, i wanted ppl to see me for who i was inside.

i SWRP (star wars role play) and while playing, i met THE most
wonderful person, another female av, and we got to know each other, and fell in love.

i was so in love, i knew i had to tell her, even with the fear that she might not want me. i finally worked up the courage, and when i told her, she revealed to me that she also is a male in RL. i’ve got to tell you, this hit me like a brick wall. but, it took me only moments to realize that i loved her before, i could love him now. as i said before, i’ve never seen myself as gay, i’ve never so much as thought of myself as bi-curious. it is only recently that i have come to look at myself as bi, through the help of a friend who has taught me to accept myself for what i am, although i could never, ever see myself with a guy other than this one. we still have female av’s, and continue living as lesbians, we’re even engaged in SL. i’m just not sure what i should do. i mean, when we first told each other, we thought we’d just keep it in SL, but i have come to realize, that i love her/him so much.

i guess that i really am bi. umm… help? ~ CONFUZZLED

DEAR CONFUZZLED ~

Sounds like you’ve got a good handle on the situation. I don’t see what the problem is. Have fun.

~HEARTUN BREAKER

HEY HEARTUN ~ I was hanging out in Waterhead the other day and someone invited me to join this group called Hot Lesbo Accountants. Well, I’m not a lesbian.. I’m just a dude. Thing is the person who invited me is a dude too!

So I ask him what the hell is going on and stuff, and one thing leads to another, and he starts in with the claim that he is a ‘transgender lesbian’ — a term I had never heard of before.

What the hell is a ‘transgender lesbian?’ ~ STRAIGHT DUDE

DEAR STRAIGHT DUDE ~ You think furries, goreans, scat lovers and privists face derision by others? Try being a transgender lesbian!

First, some terms. Historically, clinicians labeled trans people as  heterosexual or homosexual relative to their sex assigned at birth. Most transgender people find this offensive, and prefer to define their sexual orientation relative to their gender identity – or their personal sense of their own gender. For example, a transgender lesbian is a woman who is both a trans woman (a woman assigned male at birth) AND a lesbian (a woman who is attracted to other women).

By the tone of your question, I take it these concepts may be new to you, and I appreciate your efforts to find out new information… rather than jumping in as a bigot. You’re showing sense and reason — and that’s going to serve you well in both your lives.

Sexual behavior and gender roles vary by culture, which affects the place of gender variant people in that culture. In most cultures, trans people are stigmatized, and sexual activity involving transgender people is considered shameful, especially in cultures with rigid sex roles or strictures against non-heterosexual sex.

You would think that in Second Life, because we’re a virtual environment, it wouldn’t matter what the sex or gender of the person behind the avatar is — rather, what should matter is what the avatar says they are in this world. Unfortunately, people drag their biases and beliefs into Second Life with them — and that can be bothersome.

I write it all down to role playing. At least the guy you talked with was honest. Oh, and the group Hot Lesbo Accountants was associated with the Isle of Lesbos sim, years ago. It is one of several groups that have remained somewhat active after the sim itself was shuttered. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

HEY HEARTUN ~ I’m a homosexual who lives in Montana — land of cowboys and intolerance — and I live with my parents while I go to college. I want to get the hell out of this square, underpopulated, shit hole some day but for now I’m kind of stuck here. There are no gay bars or hangouts here. My only real outlet for my sexuality is here in Second Life, where I am a Gay Furry.

When I first joined I was such a slut! But since then I’ve settled down a bit and have had a couple of semi-monogamous relationships, one of which I am in now. This new guy knows some of my real life contact information too — a post office box I keep for personal stuff. And he sends me Viagra and meth to enhance our sexual play. First I just tried the Viagra, and LOVE it!! but had been afraid to try the meth. My curiosity won out though, and I was blown away. The experience, especially when combined with Viagra, sex toys, and prolonged sexual play both on SL and through web cams, is absolutely amazing.

Now my lover is pushing to meet up in real life, something I’m not really comfortable with — but he has the Viagra and meth, and I do like him even though I don’t know that I trust him that much. I feel very vulnerable, but this is amazingly exciting! ~ MALE ORDER BRIDE

DEAR MALE ORDER BRIDE ~ When I was in college I used to take my vacations and go cross country hitchhiking to visit friends and explore America. It was exciting! I got an incredible adrenaline rush whenever a stranger pulled over to pick me up. Most of the people I encountered were really quite nice and often very interesting. Unfortunately, a few were not nice at all.

It was a steep and painful learning curve, but I quickly learned to go with my gut right away. If someone pulled over to pick me up and in that 10 seconds we size each other up as I open the door and say “How far you going?” they — in any way — made me uncomfortable, I would back off. Many times I couldn’t even put a finger on what it was about them that was unsettling. Often, like this one time on I-65 just north of Birmingham, Ala., I knew I was looking into the eyes of a serial killer or rapist.

Every time I said “Thanks for pulling over, but I think I’ll pass” the driver knew I was basically calling him a perv. All of them would curse me out at that point. I’m sure I misjudged some of them. But every single time, early on, that I ignored my initial gut reaction I quickly regretted it.

MOB, I’m not going to lecture you on the dangers of taking drugs. You are old enough to know that you are tap-dancing on thin ice with that anyway. But regarding a real life hook up with this guy — give it a pass. Trust your gut. You all but said you think he’s got a dangerous agenda, and lets face it — he is sending you drugs through the mail and knows you are in a remote place with a big secret, and are highly vulnerable. If you can’t ditch the drugs I’m sure you can find a new dealer, no place is so remote that drugs can’t be found. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

(Photo courtesy of www.oostwestsl.com )