Photo courtesy of Second Life Adventures. (A very explicit and sexy publication about SL sex life.-HB)

Hey Heartun~ Recently I caught my Second Life girlfriend getting some poseball loving from my real life Dad (on his SL account)… they didn’t see me, and I haven’t confronted them yet. It happened at the skybox we share, and they were going at it like rabbits…all lovey-dovey etc. I always knew my lover was bisexual, but this is a shock! (I’m a girl)

What should I do? ~ Daddy’s Lil Girl

Dear Daddy’s Lil Girl~ What you SHOULD do is get out of Dodge, both in real life and the second one.

Join the Army and go see the beautiful Mideast.

Too dangerous, you say? Not compared to living with a man who will so egregiously violate the basic tenant of parenthood — protect the child. If he’ll do that, he’ll do anything.

And don’t think he isn’t fantasizing about you while he does the ‘squeeky squeeky’ with your purdy purdy pet. I mean, if he just wanted a little side action he could hang out in Ravenglass for a while or stroll through Fuscia.

He didn’t do that. He went after someone close to you because he hasn’t worked up the nerve to go after you yet.

As for the girl friend… you’ll find another in the Green Zone. ~Heartun

• Kind readers~ This is a reprint from the ‘Get a Life’ column I wrote for the Second Life Herald, 2006-2009. ~Heartun

HEY HEARTUN~ I love my SL boyfriend, and sex with him was great from the start. But a while back when we were both drunk and fooling around, I popped over to the Marketplace and bought a cock and surprised him by wearing it. I stupidly told him I wanted to ‘turn it around on him’ and he said ok — and it was hot! But now he likes me to strap on this cock all the time when we fool around, and it’s starting to freak me out. Is he gay? ~ PANDORA’S BOX

DEAR PANDORA ~ No, he’s not gay. He just likes it when you strap on a cock and fuck him up the ass. 

There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem here is that while ‘pegginng’ may have been fun and games once, or once in a while, FOR YOU — it appears to be a kink meal that he wants a steady diet of. Let him know that you don’t want to do that all the time. Tell him that you’d like to get fucked with his cock once in a while. Be careful, because he obviously likes having you shove your cock up his ass — and since he’s straight he knows its freaky. Don’t show your intolerance or you’ll embarrass him.

On the other hand, if this kind of play is something you really don’t want to do at all your long-term prospects with this guy don’t look great. While his appetite may ebb and flow with time, if you ain’t fucking him up the ass once in a while he will eventually find someone who will. ~HEARTUN BREAKER

(Name Withheld): hi, your avatar is pretty cute
(Name Withheld): what are u doing for live
(Name Withheld): living

Heartun Breaker: I am a high school teacher. You?

(Name Withheld): i deall with cloth i inport them

Heartun Breaker: That sounds very cool. Business is fascinating.

(VERY LONG PAUSE)

Heartun Breaker: Hey, I’m sure your friends think you are awesome… but you take too long to answer, don’t say much about yourself in your bio, and are boreing the hell out of me.

(Name Withheld): hey am here just checking my mail

Heartun Breaker: This relationship is stifiling me… I NEED OUT! Gahhhhh!

(Name Withheld): what??????

Heartun Breaker: I’m so sorry… but I’m dumping you. Please, it isn’t you… it’s me. Lets still be friends, huh?

(Name Withheld): dumping?

Heartun Breaker: and I want my stuff back, but I don’t want to see you … so put it in a box and send it through a friend. And I’d better see my favorite tshirt… you know that one you like to sleep in? If you don’t give it back you’ll never see that earring you left at my place! I swear, I’ll flush it right down the toilet!

(Name Withheld): hey what do u mean?

Heartun Breaker: You’re always arguing with me. You’re just like your mother! Criticizing me, and arguing with me… that’s all you two do. I just can’t stand it any more. I’d rather chew my own arm off than have to hear your negative crap any more! OMG, just send my stuff back. I love that Led Zepplin t-shirt!

(Name Withheld): hey do u want to buy it?

Heartun Breaker: I can’t believer you! Trying to SELL me my own Led Zepplin t-shirt? What unmitigated gall!
Heartun Breaker: You never even LIKED Led Zepplin! I always had to listen to that Jay Z crap too…. oh, and Snoop Dog? Jesus fucking hell!

(Name Withheld): did u know me before?

Heartun Breaker: Before that night in Toronto? At the film festival when we fell in love.. in a drunken night of debochery? No. And now, looking back, I wish we had never broken into Vince Vaughn’s hotel suite and short sheeted his bed and put cellophane over his toilet seat. (Name Withheld), I so loved you then… I knew we were RIGHT for eachother… and you went and spoiled it all.

(Name Withheld): are u full?

Heartun Breaker: Now you’re saying I ‘m full of shit! Jesus, just give me back my fucking Led Zepplin shirt. Why are you so mean?
Heartun Breaker: My god, I got my nipples pierced for you!
Heartun Breaker: And I don’t even LIKE piercings!

(Name Withheld): what do mean with all this shit?

Heartun Breaker: You never did understand me!

(Name Withheld): okay

(Name Withheld): what do u mean thebn?

Heartun Breaker: thebn?

(Name Withheld): i mean then?

(Name Withheld): do u know me before

Heartun Breaker: I don’t feel that I know you at all… not even now.

(Name Withheld): so then what are u talking about

Heartun Breaker:I’m talking about US… I’m talking about LOVE… I’ talking about what COULD HAVE BEEN!!! Why do you torture me like this?

(Name Withheld): like how

Heartun Breaker:Like how? Like, you are holding my Led Zepplin shirt “hostage” to get back at me for loving you too much! How about that “like how”?

(Name Withheld): should i send u some shirt?

Heartun Breaker: “Some” shirt? What do you mean “some” shirt? Did you … did you LOSE my Led Zepplin shirt? Oh… MY…. GOD!!!!

(VERY LONG PAUSE)

Heartun Breaker: What? Now the silent treatment? Fuck you!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!! FUCK YOU!!!! You Led Zepplin hating WHORE!!!! You’ll never see that earring. And those movies I took of us are going up on the fucking web!!

(Name Withheld): hey ill call fbi for u if u dont stop it

Heartun Breaker: Just give me back my Led Zepplin shirt. Please?

(Name Withheld): when did i take t from ypou?
(Name Withheld): talk to me
(Name Withheld): because i dont realy know what nis wrong with you
(Name Withheld): i guess you must be crazy

Heartun Breaker: We could have been so good for each other. Who would have expected it to end like this?

HEY HEARTUN ~ I’m going freaking (can I say ‘fucking’ here?) nuts! I have been at Second Life for about two months now and when I first got here (oh, I’m really 27 and male from Cincinnati and am a banker) I played around with Gor for a while. It didn’t stick, but this girl I met in Ko-Ro-Ba really DID stick, if you know what I mean.

Hey, I’m sorry I came on all strong with her and all. I was recently out of a divorce and new to all this online crap. Anyway, when I broke it off with her I tried to explain that I just wasn’t comfortable with where were were going and that she was a nice girl — but I just got in too fast and too deep. At first she seemed to take it well, but then I noticed that when I was at some of my favorite hangouts she would just be there watching me. I muted her, but she knows where I hang out.

Yesterday while I was playing Tringo at the IceDragon (shout out to mah peeps! woot!) she was sitting behind me! Worse than that she IMs people I know and asks them to forward messages to me. I can’t ditch this alt, because I have a lot of friends now. And I don’t think its right that I gotta stop going to my regular hang outs. What the hell? ~ REBOUND LOTHARIO

DEAR REBOUND LOTHARIO ~ What is it about Gor that attracts you post-divorce idiots? (Note to Goreans opening emails now: The prior statement does not say all Goreans are post-divorce idiots… so cool your jets.)

Look at it from the girls perspective. She’s needy and feels inadequate in her life and finds a very structured world where she is valued. Sometimes she is valued in exact terms by having a blue book value in the Gorean slave market. Other times she is valued for performing hours of loving labor like sweeping a house or doing dishes. Men want her! And she never has to think for herself, which makes her feel good. Then you show up, pretend to see that special “her” that no one else can see — and she gets to feel special doing the fake dishes in some Gorean hangout, as a sign of her love for you.

Then you back away. Why wouldn’t she stalk the shit out of you? You practically begged for it!

You say you don’t want to ditch your current avatar’s account, so you can take this one of two ways. The mature thing to do is to ignore her and wait for her to just go away. If she’s ignored, you know she eventually will withdraw to some place safe — like Gor. Then there’s the Gorean way o ditching her.

Start playing in Ko-Ro-Ba. Make up with her. Enslave her. Then sell her to someone who won’t allow her to talk with you. As I understand it she would have to obey her new master or be subjected to group punishment. Oh, the joys of Gor! ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

Note: This article was written in April of 2007. The place names are not likely accurate any more.

HEY HEARTUN ~ I’m a guy and supposed to be into guy-like things, and fishing stereotypically falls into that category — but ever since my girlfriend has taken up with virtual fishing at Neo-Realms Fishing Camp. She’s freaking addicted!! I can’t stand how boooorrrrrreeeeeing it is to hang out with her there. I mean, she stands there with a fishing rod and every once in a while a “fish” gets dumped into her inventory. She gets so excited when she gets a new kind of fish, but she doesn’t do anything with them! WTF?

We used to hang out at this cool club where we met. Now she drags me to this fish pond. I hate it! ~ BAIT HATE

DEAR BAIT HATE ~ I’m trying to figure out how you built up so much anger. I’m guessing one of two things: either you complain a lot or you don’t ever complain. They sound like opposites, but they’re two sides of the same coin. If you are always going on and on to your girlfriend about the many things that bother you — you are frustrated because she stopped listening to you a long time ago. If you never complain, you also feel frustrated because she isn’t listening to what you aren’t saying.

Either way you have to engage her in a conversation where you let her know about your discomfort in an assertive but non-aggressive way. Start out with a bunch of “I” statements. Like “I am really bored when we fish all the time” and “I would like to go dancing with you more” or “I really don’t like fishing and this isn’t working for me.” (DANGER: This last one is very close to a threat. Do NOT threaten her. Under no circumstances should you say anything along the lines of “I really don’t like fishing and will leave you if you keep doing it.” Threats don’t work.)

She may not listen at first because this kind of talk from you will be new to her. If after hearing you she can’t give you what you need in this relationship — throw her back. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

HEY HEARTUN ~ I never thought I would be writing you, but I am (forgive me) heartbroken. I started playing Second Life about a year ago and met the love of my life right away. (Name withheld) and I had a love sweeter than any. We exchanged (real life) contact information, and while we didn’t talk about hooking up (in real life) we were headed there.

Our SL wedding was going to be a blow out. I spent far more RL money than I care to admit, but (name withheld) helped out with what I TOLD him it cost and all the details were taken care of. All our friends were invited. We registered on SLExchange. We bought a place in (location deleted by editor). Our new home was to be a Barnesworth Anubis original.

I don’t remember everything involved, though, because I lost a lot of my memory surrounding the week or so before my RL car accident. When I got home from the hospital I found his many emails, phone messages and snail-mail letters. The early ones were worried, then pleading, then angry… then none.

We had partnered a few weeks before the wedding, but when I finally came back to the game after three months in intensive care and rehabilitation we were no longer partners. This was like four months ago. He has had me on ‘mute’ ever since and dropped me from his friends list altogether. Most of our mutual friends sided with him and don’t believe me. I’ve asked several to explain what happened to me to him but I don’t think they did.

So I got on with my life and thought I was over the pain when I ran into him the other day at NeoRealms fishing camp and I had to listen to him curse me out and say the meanest things to me… all the while he has me muted so I can’t tell him what happened. I have been crying all the time since then. He hates me. I love him, and I can’t tell him. Oh Heartun, I’m so sad! ~ MUTED LOVE

DEAR MUTED LOVE ~ Well, you can’t blame the guy. I mean, that story of yours — IF it is for real — is a cliche right out of Leo McCarey’s 1957 film “An Affair To Remember” with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr. I mean, Kerr’s character Terry McKay has nothing on you!

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy hates girl, girl lives in quiet misery. It’s a tear jerker!! (Kind readers, if you haven’t seen it get some tissues and NetFlix this movie.)

So you’ve gotten to the part of the movie where Kerry Grant’s character Nickie Ferrante comes into her room and calls her all kinds of names, and she just sucks it up. Only you HAVE to suck it up because you can’t talk with him when he has you on mute. Do I have this right so far? Good.

But you forgot. You have his email address, his snail-mail address and his phone number. Mail him your hospital bill. If he doesn’t catch on and come running into your arms just continue on with your life — because this isn’t a movie. There aren’t always happy endings to story book beginnings. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

HEY HEARTUN ~ So, I have number of “friends” in SL who I find vaguely threatening. In real life I don’t enjoy hanging around people who either ignore me or leave the room without looking at me or (who fail to respond) to me when I say “Hi, how are you today?”

So, the question is, why do I tolerate this behaviour in what is supposed to be a game, and I assume(!) fun….?

How do others deal with the fickle nature of people in SL? With those who virtually stalk you, then drop you? Is this normal behaviour?

I know I can just take them off my list, but for some reason I’m finding this hard to do.

Is SL making a victim of me? ~ BRUISED BETTY

DEAR BRUISED BETTY ~ Second Life is like LSD. If you are a well rounded and generally nice person when you are under its influence you will generally have an intensely nice experience. If you are an asshole, well… you become an intensified asshole. And good luck with that.

(NOTE: Don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?)

In Second Life some people say “excuse me” when they bump into a strange avatar. Some just keep on going. Why? Because they can. There are very few social social repercussions for bad behavior in SL. What? You gonna ban someone because they bumped you? Or didn’t return a hearty ‘Hello?’ No.

“But Heartun, it just isn’t right!” you say. I agree. But unlike you and me and a significant minority of humans on this planet, not everyone adheres to the generally accepted (but poorly defined, outside of Judith Martin) rules of behavior we call ‘common courtesy.’ Many people only do something if it has a direct and immediate benefit for them. They are engaged in some activity, they see you say “Hi” but they don’t want to disturb what they are doing so they ignore you. Later they may see you and since they are bored and want to engage you in conversation they will track you down and attach themselves to you like a leach.

It’s all about what is in it for them.

Not everyone is like this. And don’t assume that someone exhibiting this behavior one time is necessarily that self centered — they could be dealing with a RL potty emergency, or be engaged in IMs or surfing the web in another window to the exclusion of their SL presence. I think we all get trapped in that once in a while. But persistent friends of (their) convenience abound here. In real life they know that there would be consequences for ignoring your “Hi” as you pass in the halls at work… but there are no real consequences for them here.

Chinese General Sun Tzu said to “choose your friends well as your enemies will choose you.” I think that applies to online “friends” as well. No, a non-friend is not necessarily an enemy, but they can drag down your sense of well being and enjoyment of your time here. Choose your friends well. Cull your Friends list often. If you are unsure about someone, don’t worry about dropping them.

Good people will understand you are just trying to preserve your sense of fun here — and you can always extend another friendship request. Just don’t delete friendships while angry or in a hurry. Be fair in your periodic evaluation of your list. And it’s OK to IM someone and give them the message “We haven’t talked in a while. I’m cleaning up my Friends list and culling you. I enjoyed talking with you that one time. Please IM me if you want to hang out again.” ~ HEARTUN BREAKER